October 15th, 2024
Trauma bonding occurs when an intense emotional connection forms between an abuser and the person they are abusing. These bonds are often rooted in cycles of abuse, followed by periods of affection or relief, making them difficult to break.
People caught in trauma bonds may not recognize the unhealthy nature of the relationship, as the emotional highs and lows can create a sense of dependency and confusion.
Understanding the signs of trauma bonding is essential for identifying these toxic dynamics. Keep reading to learn more about trauma bonds and what signs to look out for.
The term ‘trauma bond’ refers to a relationship dynamic that often forms between an abuser and the person they are abusing. Put another way, a trauma bond is a bond in which a hostage or victim develops an emotional attachment to the abuser or captor.
One characteristic common in most trauma bonds is the unequal power dynamic between the individuals involved. These bonds can be incredibly strong because they tap into our deep, innate need for belonging, security, and connection.
Warning signs can include behaviors that center on maintaining this offset power differential and intermittent positive reinforcement, such as:
While trauma bonds can exist in a multitude of diverse situations, the following demonstrate high-risk situations in which trauma bonds are more likely to develop:
Intimate Partner Violence
Child Abuse
Cults:
Human Trafficking
Hostage Situations
Sarah has been in a relationship with her partner, Jake, for three years. Although Jake frequently insults her, controls her actions, and sometimes gets physically violent, he always apologizes afterward, saying he loves her and promising to change.
After every abusive incident, Jake becomes loving and attentive, giving Sarah gifts or planning romantic gestures.
Sarah feels trapped, believing she can help him change if she stays and tries harder to please him. She isolates herself from family and friends who have expressed concern, justifying Jake's behavior and clinging to the hope that the good moments will return.
This is a classic example of trauma bonding in intimate partner violence. The cycle of abuse and reconciliation creates emotional confusion, making it difficult for the victim to leave despite the ongoing harm.
In essence, everyone is at risk of developing a trauma bond. However, certain subtypes within the population have been identified as being at increased risk. These groups include:
Trauma bonds are seldom overt or obvious, especially in the beginning phases of development. Because of the cycle of intermittent reinforcement – or alternating abuse with reassurance, positive attention, and promises for change – these bonds can take on an addictive nature that embeds itself deep in the psyche of the victim.
Fear of abandonment, insecurity, and internalization of the abuser’s blame and criticisms can paradoxically heighten the need for security and attachment. Abusers craft this need and offer reinforcement periodically to give the appearance or feeling of meeting that need and temporarily quelling the fears of the victim.
This keeps victims stuck in a cycle of abuse and reward that can be incredibly challenging to break, especially in an environment of dependence and isolation.
There are seven commonly-recognized stages of trauma bond development:
1. Love Bombing – An initial phase of gaslighting that serves to entice, attract, and ultimately cultivate a dependent victim with flattering behaviors, admiration, time, attention, and gifts
2. Trust and Dependency – Upon attaining the trust of the victim through demonstration of support and reliability, the abuser may work to cultivate financial, emotional, or physical dependence within the bond
3. Criticism – Once trust is gained and the process of building dependency has begun, the abuser can start to work in damaging and scrutinizing feedback about the victim which can include further manipulation, alienation, and isolation.
4. Gaslighting – When gaslighting, the abuser then evolves what may be considered passive criticisms or subtle put-downs into emotional abuse. A large component of this abuse involves creating situations wherein the victim takes on guilt or accountability for the actions of the abuser. This is achieved through a combination of behaviors, which may include:
5. Resignation / Addiction – This phase is typically demonstrated by the victim conceding to the abuser’s demands and assuming a more active role within the trauma cycle. Often, victims assume a larger “people-pleasing” role within this phase for reasons related to self-preservation, conflict avoidance, and maintenance of safety and peace within the dynamic.
6. Loss of Self – In this phase of trauma bond development, the victim has become dependent on the abuser to the extent that their identity is muddied in the dependence on the bond and their isolation from other key support sources.
7. Submission / Perpetuation of the Cycle – A critical component of maintaining the trauma bond involves the abuser reintroducing moments of phases of love bombing, attractive and supportive behaviors, and validation of the victim; all with the goal of perpetuation the cycle of abuse and keeping the victim constrained within the bounds of the bond.
The phrase “Stockholm Syndrome” originated in the 1970s after a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, where hostages developed an emotional bond with their captors. Today, the term has evolved into a broader definition, often used to describe a coping mechanism or psychological response to a captive or abusive situation.
Victims in these situations form emotional attachments to their abusers or captors as a way to survive, despite the harm being inflicted.
Trauma bonding plays a central role in Stockholm Syndrome. In both cases, the victim develops a psychological connection with their abuser through cycles of abuse and intermittent kindness or relief.
This bond creates a sense of dependency, confusion, and emotional loyalty toward the abuser, even when the abuse is clear. While Stockholm Syndrome is often linked to captivity or hostage situations, it can also apply in abusive relationships where the victim feels trapped emotionally or psychologically rather than physically.
Both Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding reflect the complex emotional attachment formed as a result of repeated abuse, manipulation, and control, and share similarities with other psychological concepts such as learned helplessness and battered person syndrome.
Recognizing the signs that you're caught in a trauma bond is the first and most crucial step toward breaking free. Acknowledging this reality can be extremely difficult, especially because abusers often engage in gaslighting, blaming, guilt-tripping, and avoiding accountability.
These tactics can cloud your judgment, making it hard to objectively assess the truth of the situation. If you feel like you may be in a trauma bond, talk to a therapist. They can help you clearly recognize the signs.
It’s important to continuously focus on the reality of the present situation and the behavior within the relationship, paying attention to the abuser’s actions rather than their promises. Their words may offer hope, but their consistent harmful behaviors reveal the true nature of the bond.
Once you’ve identified the trauma bond, actively engaging in self-care, positive self-talk, and seeking social and professional support from a mental health therapist near you are all key steps in the healing process.
Creating emotional and physical space from the abuser may initially lead to conflict, but it is essential for gaining clarity and prioritizing your well-being.
Building a life outside the relationship—making plans that don’t involve the abuser—can help accelerate healing. It’s important to focus on developing habits rooted in open and authentic self-expression, allowing yourself to move forward, and recognizing your inherent worthiness of health, happiness, and safety.
In the early stages, it can be difficult to recognize red flags in an abuser. A more effective approach may be to identify warning signs of trauma bonding by conducting a thorough self-assessment.
Some early indicators of an unhealthy relationship include feelings of uneasiness or discomfort, fear or apprehension, a need to compromise your sense of safety, or ongoing, unresolved conflict that continues to escalate. Healthy relationships include a few common core components.
A study conducted at Johns Hopkins University highlights 12 of these components/elements:
The dynamic within a trauma bond violates almost all of the elements that are commonly found in a healthy relationship. Additional expectations within any relationship that are alienated and negated in trauma bonding include the elements of mutual respect, safety, security, support, accountability, and a willingness to grow and work through challenges as they arise.
Additionally, building a strong support system—whether through trusted friends, family, or therapy—can help you feel heard and understood, making it easier to recognize behavioral red flags early on.
To move forward from a trauma bond, there are several goals we should keep in mind as we progress through treatment and recovery:
It is often very challenging to be able to see our trauma from an objective perspective. For this reason, the best way to heal is to get professional help by going to therapy with a trauma therapist, or with a therapist experienced in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
Isaac Newton was the first to verbalize a somewhat revolutionary concept now known as one of several Laws of Physics – “A body in motion stays in motion, a body at rest stays at rest unless acted on by some external force.” This law is seamlessly applied to the question of why someone might stay in an abusive relationship.
It is a natural human tendency to maintain the status quo so long as the fear of change feels more intense than the discomfort of the abuse. In the absence of an external force, trauma bonds are designed to keep a person within its control.
We have the opportunity to install these different “external forces” throughout our lives by engaging in self-care, surrounding ourselves with authentic and caring people, and cultivating a lifestyle that acknowledges our worthiness of health, wellness, and love.
If you are dealing with a trauma bond or have a loved one who is, don’t hesitate to reach out. Clarity Clinic is the best mental health clinic in Chicago, providing in person therapy care in the Loop, River North, Lakeview Broadway, Lakeview Belmont, Evanston, and Arlington Heights.
We also provide leading online therapy all throughout Illinois, so we can offer quality mental health care to surrounding communities such as Northbrook, Naperville, Oakbrook, Aurora, Schaumburg, Winnetka, and more.
Book an appointment with a therapist in Chicago today or receive online therapy from the comfort of your home, whatever you choose, we are here to help you heal throughout your mental health journey.
From talk therapy, group therapy, family therapy, couple therapy, PHP/IOP programs, virtual IOP programs, and more, you can find convenient therapy near you for all your mental health needs at Clarity Clinic. Book a trauma therapist near you today!
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