September 27th, 2024
Do you often find yourself doubting your own perception/judgment? Do you consistently have someone (whether it be a partner, a friend, or a boss) saying what you think and feel is not true? Are you at times left feeling like you can’t trust your own intuition in fear of it being “wrong”? If this feels familiar, please keep reading to learn about a form of psychological and emotional abuse called Gaslighting.
The term gaslighting originates from the 1938 play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, where the protagonist’s husband gradually and deliberately attempts to convince his wife of her “insanity” by slowly dimming the gas light fixtures around the house and vehemently denying that it’s happening at all. He repeatedly tells her she’s imagining things. Eventually, she begins to believe him and that maybe she is losing her grasp on reality.
Today, the term Gaslighting is a covert tactic used to negate an individual’s personal experience, creating a distrust of their own reality and perception. This tactic is typically introduced gradually and known to be layered amongst other manipulative tactics that are geared towards creating and maintaining control over another person.
While not always intentional, gaslighting is a harmful pattern of behavior that can be both psychologically and emotionally abusive.
Gaslighting is not simple miscommunication. Gaslighting is telling someone their experience is not correct or real using a variety of tactics. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, some examples of gaslighting tactics include:
Further examples according to the Mend Project include:
Despite the situation, gaslighting becomes about the victim being portrayed as the unreliable witness in their own life.
Gaslighting can occur in any relationship, from occupation to familial to personal. Gaslighting can be intentional or unintentional, but intent does not lessen the amount of harm done. Whether married, dating, monogamous or non-monogamous, gaslighting can occur in any relationship style.
Gaslighting is a tactic that not only gets the victim to doubt their reality but also influences how others view the victim. It is especially tied to privilege and social power, where biases are exploited to the benefit of the gaslighter.
While used more colloquially, it highlights a social dynamic in spaces where the authority in the room has the final say on what is real and true and what is not.
Gaslighting can occur in a variety of settings, including medical environments. Amira Lewally, a successful television producer, shares her personal experience of being gaslighted by her healthcare providers, highlighting how factors like race and gender can contribute to this issue. She writes:
“When doctors don’t listen to you, you eventually start to think something is wrong with you. You question your body and how you treat it. You start to give in to pressures of how it should move and look. I started to think I had betrayed the body I was given when, in reality, those who were meant to protect me (and thousands of other Black women) let me down.”
In medical spaces, there is an inherent authority professionals have that must be considered when a patient presents in a way that challenges training or general practice.
Gaslighting can be done unintentionally and so it is especially important to acknowledge biases and defense mechanisms when in relationship to one another, professional or personal.
For further reading, this article by Paige L. Sweet on the Sociology of Gaslighting is helpful for considering social power connected to psychological and emotional abuse. This article is particularly helpful for considering workplace gaslighting.
A pattern of gaslighting, typically included with other tactics, can certainly be a part of emotional and psychological abuse. There may be lasting consequences to gaslighting, where the victim will need to work through their experiences in order to regain confidence in their intuition, their perception, and their voice.
Emotional abuse affects the way people feel, either about themselves or those around them.
Psychological abuse affects the way people think, such as doubt of their own perception of reality. Both emotional and psychological abuse often trigger past trauma and/or create trauma in the body and mind, severely affecting relationships to self and to others.
In order to begin working through this, it is recommended to seek professional assistance with mental health therapists near you and/or other healing modalities.
Gaslighting without intention can be done by anybody, often from fear of being wrong or being viewed poorly. U.S. culture is often punitive, creating an inability to admit harm done to others, especially when harm was not intended.
Accountability is the practice of owning harm done and creating steps to ensure harm is not recreated all while centering the victim’s needs and requests. We don’t quite have systemic structures to support these complicated processes, and so gaslighting occurs fairly often as a way of shifting blame.
In abusive relationships, gaslighting can be a form of control for the abuser that often includes a variety of other tactics that create a pattern of behavior. This is often a very gradual process, so that the victim is slowly introduced to this behavior.
According to The Gottman Institute, gaslighters often exhibit these behaviors due to:
Unfortunately, gaslighting can be difficult to identify; however, there are a few things to look out for. According to Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, CGT the gaslighter implies that you misunderstood what they said versus taking responsibility or showing any remorse for their bad behavior. There is an implication that their partner is overreacting.
These behaviors may look like:
First and foremost, you are not at fault. Gaslighting can and does happen to anybody. There is no shame in believing or trusting those around you. If you find yourself experiencing gaslighting, or any other form of abuse, please consider sharing with friends, family, or anyone who you can confide in.
Some recommendations from the Mend Project include:
If you or a loved one are experiencing gaslighting or other forms of abuse, please do not hesitate to reach out for assistance such as National Domestic Violence Hotline, Illinois Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention, and Clarity Clinic Domestic Violence Survivor Counseling.
It is recommended to find a mental health professional, psychotherapist, or therapist near you to help facilitate the process of identifying what is happening and beginning the healing journey.
At Clarity Clinic, we believe that everyone deserves access to quality and affordable mental health care. Our team of leading therapists offers a variety of therapeutic approaches, including individual therapy, couples therapy, group therapy, family therapy, therapy for kids, and online therapy.
Whether you're struggling with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, or simply seeking personal growth, we're here to help. Our therapists are committed to providing a safe, supportive, and non-judgmental space for you to explore your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
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Find a TherapistRelated Readings:
Where did the term gaslighting come from?
The term "gaslighting" comes from a 1938 play titled "Gaslight." In these stories, a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her mind by dimming the lights and then denying that he did so.
How do gaslighters argue?
Gaslighters will often have you deny your reality by insisting the things you remember did not happen or making you feel like your feelings are not valid. They downplay the importance of your feelings and try to dismiss your concerns as being silly or unimportant.
How to tell if someone is gaslighting you?
If you find yourself constantly doubting your own memory, perception, sanity, or feelings, it's possible that you are being gaslighted. Other signs of gaslighting include feeling confused, isolated, or like you're going crazy.
What mental illness do gaslighters have?
While you cannot assume that everyone who gaslights has a mental illness, there are certain mental disorders that are more prone to use emotional and psychological abuse. Those with narcissism and antisocial personality disorder can be known to use gaslighting to manipulate others.
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