Relationships

Being Loved vs. Being Desired

“Love is an ice cream sundae, with all the marvelous coverings. Sex is the cherry on top.” – Jimmy Dean

Two people with their foreheads together in an embrace

The Importance of a Healthy Sex Life

Sexual health is a very important part of who we are as humans. Having a sex life that one is happy with and finds satisfaction from can be crucial to our overall well-being and to our psychological adjustment. This is no difference for both single and married individuals, as the sexual needs and desires that we have as people do not change regardless of our marital status. 

Surely we have all heard stories (whether through friends or through the media) about sexual difficulties of couples once they are married. It can be challenging for some to remain intimate and to keep the same level of intimacy once in a long-term relationship. In this blog, recommendations of what to do and what not to do when your experiencing sexual difficulties at home in your monogamous relationship.

What You Should Not to Do

It is important to identify a list of some solutions that individuals who are experiencing sexual difficulties at home may try that are not healthy (or helpful for that matter)!

  • Isolate
    • By separating yourself from your significant other you are making the issue bigger
    • Sexual difficulties often result from isolation to begin with: 
      • A lack of communication
      • A lack of time spent together
      • A lack of sharing intimacy and love together
    • When there are issues such as a lack of desire or arousal, separating and isolating from your partner will do more damage than it does good!
  • Play Detective
    • Sometimes, when there are issues at home that are sexual in nature, couples will try to investigate to try to find the root cause of the issue
      • In doing so, they may get jealous and become controlling
      • This is especially true in a monogamous relationship where they may feel their significant other is stepping out on them with another individual
      • They may resort to doing things like going through their partner’s phone or following them after they leave the house to check and see where they are going
    • This playing detective is not healthy and can drive a wedge in the relationship, making it close to impossible to restore a healthy sexual relationship
    • Instead, the relationship is rooted in fear and insecurity – not a recipe for sexual bliss
  • Assume
    • There can be many reasons for sexual issues and dysfunction, do not assume anything if there is an issue that is presenting itself
    • Many times, people will internalize the problem and assume that is something they did personally
    • This can lead to feelings of guilt and embarrassment and can exacerbate the problem. 
  • Ignore It
    • Individuals may often ignore the problem altogether instead of addressing it with their partner
    • This may make the partner who is experiencing the issue feel alone and uncared for
    • Those experiencing the sexual difficulty may feel that their significant other hasn’t noticed or doesn’t care
    • Communication is an extremely vital part of a relationship and in a sexual relationship this is no different
    • Having open lines of communication and not ignoring problems is always the best way to approach any issue in a relationship

What You Should Do

A man and woman with flowers in a bouquet smiling

There are a number of things you can do if you are in a monogamous relationship and are having issues of a sexual nature with your partner.  

  • Communicate
    • Talking openly with your significant other can be beneficial to reveal each person’s thoughts and feelings when it comes to sex and any sexual problems. 
  • Talk to a Professional
    • Sometimes, it can be difficult to just come out and say how you are feeling, especially revolving around sex and your sex life
    • Sex can be an embarrassing topic for some to discuss, even with those they have shared the most intimate moments with
    • This is where finding a marriage counselor near you can be extremely helpful to get sex therapy, or family sex therapy

What is Family Sex Therapy?

A couple on a couch hugging while speaking to a therapist

Before you call a sex therapist, you may want to know what sex therapy is. Here are a few brief points outlining what this type of therapy is all about and what it entails.

  • Sex therapy is a type of therapy sought by individuals for help with sexual concerns, difficulties, and dysfunctions
  • May focus on performance issues
  • Can involve helping with relationship issues
  • Often will meet in the therapist’s office – in a private room
  • Couples may meet with therapist individually, or they may choose to meet together. Other times, couples will choose to do a hybrid of both
  • Therapy will typically last between 8-12 weeks on average
  • Everything you say will remain confidential between you and the therapist (and your partner if you choose to go to sessions together), allowing your sex life to remain private

Seeking Help for Sexual Desire in the Relationship

It may be a daunting task to ask for help of a professional, especially when it comes to an area as private and guarded as our sex life. But, rest assured, that the sex therapist you find will not judge you and will work to help you in a warn, empathetic manner. 

All you need to do is search “Marriage counselor near me” in the search engine of your choice and find a sex and family therapist around you that could help you and your significant other work through sexual issues to strengthen your sexual relationship and your own sexual health. You will be glad you did!

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