Couples and Marriage Counseling

Why Do I Love You?

Multiracial couple in the park

Serious & Non-Serious Concerns in a Relationship

“You know you’re in love when you don’t want to fall asleep
because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

-Dr. Seuss

Affectionate Reasoning

When you love a person, particularly a romantic partner, you feel full, elated, content, joy, and satisfaction, among many other emotions. These feelings come from the ability to sync up with another individual on a level of understanding and commitment. Nothing is better. We all search for this kind of love. But what are the reasons that give us the ability to feel this type of affection towards a partner?

  1. Your partner gives you confidence
  2. Your partner supports your personal goals
  3. Your partner and you share similar life goals
  4. Your partner gets you
  5. Your partner defends you
  6. Your partner takes care of you
  7. Your partner seeks out and admires your opinion
  8. Your partner brings out the best in you

Common Reasons Why We Question our Relationship

The above listed reasons are only some of the ways in which we find contentment in our partnerships. Although these reasons seem clear and obvious as to why we love another human romantically, we sometimes get lost in love and forget what got us to this place. If you are questioning why you love your partner, it could follow similar reasoning (as listed in the first few points below) as when questioning why your partner loves you (as discussed in previous blog posts). Some of these reasons include:

  • Insecurities
    • About ourselves
    • About our partners
    • About our desires and goals in life
    • Jealous tendencies
  • Problems in the relationship
    • Communication
      • Miscommunication
        • Spoken communication & virtual communication (texting and emailing) can lead to arguments and misinformation
      • Lack of communication
        • When one or both partners avoid confrontation 
    • Trust
    • Personality shifts
      • You or your partner becomes angry, depressed, or controlling
  • Personal changes for yourself or your partner
    • As we evolve and grow as a person, it is only natural that elements about who we are may shift and change as well
      • Goals
        • Family, financial, professional, and relationship goals may and will change with time
      • Lifestyle
        • If a couple meets and falls in love in the big city, over time, one partner may grow to prefer the simplicity and quietness of the suburbs or country, while the other continues to desire the hustle and bustle of city life
      • Career changes
        • If one partner switches career paths or simply switches employers, there could be a sudden change in their daily schedule which could impact the time spent with their partner
      • Desire to travel more or less
        • If one partner once was a homebody who now wants to travel and explore the world, this could drive a wedge in a relationship if the other person is unable to travel alongside due to work obligations or simply wants to maintain their homebody status
      • Desire to settle down and have children, or not
        • When two people commit to one another they may initially agree that they do not want children, however over time as people grow older one partner may change their mind
        • This can be problematic if the other partner is still attached to the idea of no children

When There is a Serious Issue in the Relationship…

The above reasons why we question our relationships and why we love are partners are generally self induced and can be handled with healthy communication and compromise. However, sometimes there can be serious issues in a relationship, ones that not only need professional guidance, but should elicit the relationship to ultimately be terminated. We are specifically referring to domestic abuse in a relationship. Domestic abuse can include any and/or all of the following:

  • Physical violence
  • Emotional abuse
  • Verbal abuse
  • Sexual abuse
  • Control
  • Isolation
  • Using male privilege
Man beating up his wife illustrating domestic violence

Effects of Domestic Abuse

When violent and abusive behaviors become part of a relationship, there can be long term emotional effects. In fact, according to the National Coalition of Domestic Violence, “domestic victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior”. In addition to depression and suicide, there are other mental health concerns associated with domestic abuse which are included below:

Depression

The deep emotions of sadness and hopelessness that can manifest from a dark and abusive relationship can leave a person suffering with depression. A survivor may be feeling unworthy, unable to trust, and unmotivated about life itself.

Suicide

When depression falls deeper and a person see no hope at all in the future, suicidal thoughts, behaviors, and actions are of concern. According domesticshelters.org, “multiple studies have found that domestic violence survivors have higher-than-average rates of suicidal thoughts, with as many as 23% of survivors having attempted suicide compared to 3 percent among populations with no prior domestic violence exposure”. 

Anxiety

Worry, concern, and fear are both common and natural responses to domestic abuse. This anxiety can spill over into other aspects of a survivor’s life.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD develops after a person has experienced some sort of shocking or dangerous event, such as domestic abuse. PTSD can cause survivors to have subsequent issues with panic, fear, or isolation. 

Unless There’s Something Serious, Stop Looking for Problems.

It is important to stop searching for issues in the relationship for you to question why you love you partner. In order to maintain a healthy mindset and healthy relationship, it is crucial for you to remind yourself that you committed to this partner for a reason. Trust yourself and trust your gut. However, if there is a serious problem, please seek professional help

Resources:

https://ncadv.org/statistics

http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/learn/domestic-violence/effects-domestic-violence

https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/domestic-violence-survivors-at-higher-risk-for-suicide

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